The Dartmouth Beacon

Alternatively, there are some couples who become so close so fast that they are virtually married by senior year. Sometimes you might hear of Dartmouth students casually “dating,” but you seldom hear of two people “courting” in this day and age. So the typical college student is probably not even clear on what courtship really is. They probably associate it with a more romantic, idyllic past that has no place in the modern world.

Yet across the country, people are starting to get the idea that something is not quite right about the current state of affairs. The Independent Women’s Forum (www.iwf.org) completed a study, entitled “Hooking Up, Hanging Out, and Hoping for Mr. Right – College Women on Dating and Mating Today,” which indicated that women are becoming increasingly dissatisfied with a culture of haphazard hookups. It seems that the Sexual Revolution, which purportedly liberated women, simply subjects them to a different kind of subordination.

Women and men react differently to a culture of random hookups; to quote from the study: “[College women] report that because they can hang out or hook up with a guy over a period of time and still not know if they are a couple, women often initiate ‘the talk’ in which they ask, ‘Are we committed or not?’ When she asks, he decides.”

As people become disenchanted with the hookup scene, they naturally seek out a viable alternative. When they don’t find one, frustration sometimes manifests itself in inactivity. And who can blame people who choose such a path? With so many people, for various reasons, choosing the hookup scene, it is hard for a person to know how to react when she actually cares for someone. So what is there to be done? Perhaps we can turn to a practice that has worked for centuries and continues to thrive in many cultures: courtship.

But what exactly is courtship, and why have people been increasingly drawn to it over the past couple of years? Courtship is a period in which two people enter into a relationship with the explicit goal of marriage. Before courting a woman, a man receives her parents’ permission. Throughout the courtship, the couple takes part in social activities with friends and family. Courtship was the norm in the United States until the advent of the automobile and the emergence of casual dating. The resurgence of interest courtship in this country is a reaction of more conservative, traditionally minded singles to what they view as the decline of the institution of marriage. Yet in many other cultures, courtship has existed uninterrupted through the twentieth century.

But wait a second—this sounds perfectly rosy in theory, but isn’t it a bit utopian? What happened to living for the here and now? This is college – this is our time to experiment and form our identities. Carpe diem, do ’em, ditch ’em, right? Why did nature give us these hormonal urges if we are not supposed to explore them?

The counterargument posed by proponents of the free-love culture sounds logical on the surface. Honestly, how are we going to attract someone without being sexually appealing? How can we express our affection for someone without having sex? But if we step out of the turbulent college relationship scene for a moment, we can see a larger picture. Are we really enjoying ourselves in transient relationships? Fleeting sexual encounters might sound fun and exciting, but how often have a few minutes of fun led to a broken heart that can never be fully mended? Think back on the short term relationships you or your friends have experienced. What characteristics distinguish them? Were you drawn to them because of their strength of character, or shared values? Or were you driven by a transitory, nagging urge, “Man, I really need a hookup.”

Too often, the search for Mr. or Ms. Right seems like an uphill battle, and people give in to pressure and settle for Mr. or Ms. Good-enough-for-now. And the problems last far longer than the awkwardness of hiding behind your friends in Food Court the next day. Ninety-one percent of college women nationwide (according to the IWF survey) expressed a strong desire to get married. If marriage is such an important goal for college students, why do we pass up true opportunities to gain experience in loving, committed relationships in favor of sudsy saturnalia?

At this point, you may be asking yourself, “How do I court?”

Courtship has no checklist, no fixed set of rules. Rather, it represents a new attitude towards relationships, one in which your own gratification is replaced with a commitment to the well being of another. It is a process by which two people deepen their friendship and genuinely get to know one another, a period to spend time surrounded by family and friends, not mired in social isolation. Seeing how your significant other interacts with family and friends helps you to determine his character and principles. It is a setting where your judgment is less likely to be clouded by premature emotional dependence. Ideally, it is a time for your family and friends to get to know and care about your partner as your relationship develops, providing you with constructive advice and support. After all, this is the stuff that makes successful marriages last.

For a courtship to be successful, it does not have to end with a marriage proposal. If things ultimately do not work out, at least you will have gained some valuable experience and insight to bring into your next relationship, far more than you would have learned from a random hookup. Courtship can help you bring a deeper self-awareness and knowledge of your own strengths and weaknesses with you to your next relationship, rather than the emotional baggage and puzzlement that accompany the morning-after walk of shame.

If these ideas seem a bit antiquated, we should stop and ask ourselves why. Has the idea of virtue seriously become an object of ridicule? The hookup culture can’t be reversed overnight, but that doesn’t mean we have to succumb to it.

In the end, it is not important whether or not you use the term courtship or dating. What matters is how you live out your life. And hopefully more and more people will be able to benefit from the time-tested results of courtship: A heart unscathed by false promises and regrets, an unbelievable joy and peace in finding your soul’s match, and a long and happy marriage marked by a love that deepens as the years go by.